Are you A BAD TWEETER ? – A Tale of a Tweeters Christmas Carol



Twas the Night before christmas and @Ebonezertweeter , a crotchety old lawyer was hard at work in his law office.

His office was cold.

It was devoid of any festive cheer and not a drop of tinsel could be seen.

He had every gadget going. He had an Ipad3, iPhone,windows phone ,tablet,PC and Mac.

He used twitter and Facebook. He blogged and tweeted for business of course.

He was a lonely and tortured soul with not a friend in the world and very few followers and no-one subscribed to his blog.

He huddled over his ipad3 with his eyes transfixed at the stream of tweets before him.

Excitement shone from his eyes as he scrolled down the many tweeters wishing each other festive greetings and he grew furious at the lack of links and tweets to blogs (especially HIS blog) about his law firm.

What on earth was happening this night of nights he thought. It was Christmas eve and the first year after the demise of his business partner and he knew how important new business was for the firm @Ebonezertweeter top law firm.

His trusted assistant @legaleaglemhm had shuffled through asking for permission to go home to her littleuns and Ebonezertweeter grumbled and snapped that she had been paid till the end of the day and was still on the clock.

All around merry staff closed their offices, wrapped presents and hugged their families, yet @Ebonezertweeter screwed up his face as his folded his ipad under his arm after locking up and scuttled into his Audi TT and headed for home.

The roads were very quiet and he relished the peace and quiet thinking that this time of the evening served him well for composing his blog.

The blue lights behind him served as an inconvenience as he realised that he was being pulled over by the police . Where can I find a road traffic lawyer at this time of night he thought and on Christmas eve of all nights. He reached for his iphone and did a search on twitter and sent a DM to @roadtrafficlaw.

Alas a reply to that DM would never come as he had never actually engaged with that fellow tweeter.

Tired and now weary he arrived back at his apartment and his mind wandered back to his blog and how he could make more money, after all that was why everyone used twitter and Blogs for ,was it not ?

He mulled over the next article in his mind too as he opened the door to his penthouse apartment and pinged on the microwave for a simple Morrison’s frozen dinner for one.

Taking his ipad3 with him to bed he settled down to scroll through the evenings tweets when to his surprise the ping of an alert broke the silence.

He had a DM.

It was the first DM of the day, in fact it was the first DM of the week and with trepid anticipation he clicked on it the message read.

@tweeterpast -
I am the ghost of Tweeters past.

That is very strange thought @Ebonezertweeter as he was not even following a @tweeterpast how could they send him a DM if he wasn’t following them

PING – another DM arrived.

I am the ghost of tweeters past and you must mend your ways @Ebonezertweeter for you have become a BAD TWEETER.

@tweeterpast said ,
you will receive 3 DMs before the night is out and you will be visited by 3 avatars.

Not scared @Ebonezertweeter promptly blocked @tweeterpast

He logged off twitter all together and promptly signed into linkedin instead.

His plasma TV mounted on the wall began to flicked and his blackberry , iphone5 and smartphone all began to vibrate.
On the screen of his 26 inch imac the words appeared via Hootsuite

Come with me @Ebonezertweeter and we shall visit the past.

The room transformed around him and he became aware of a young boy sitting in front of an old black and white tv.

The screen was black and across it a white dot was ping ponging , it was the old game he remembered from his childhood. At first he smiled, with a fond memory of playing it after watching crackerjack and news round.
Do you remember this game you played alone Eboneezer?

He could see the kids outside on their chopper bikes racing up and down and yet he sat alone playing ping and pong on his black and white set.

How sad thought @Eboneezertweeter – I had no one to play it with.

The room changed again and a solitary boy sat with again a screen in front of him .

The bleeps of the Sega mega drive echoed around the room as he watched the young chap blank out the world around him deep in concentration as to the conquering of the next round.

Again outside he saw children on roller skates and skate boards zooming up and down.

The room changed again and he saw the lecture halls at his University where he studied Law. Ah that had been the good days he thought.

All those friends, it would be impossible for the @tweeterpast ghost to scare or haunt him now.

There he was sitting in the front row with @legaleaglemhm and @Gavward and @Alistair_Sloan – Gosh it seemed like such a long time ago. How could this make him feel sad ?

Bleep Bleep , vibrate , vibrate the sounds of texts bouncing between the students was off-putting for @Ebonezertweeter

Poppycock! he thought scribbling furiously and trying not to wonder who they could be texting or why no-one sent him a text.

OK, Ok he typed as a reply on his twitter stream- so perhaps I wasn’t very popular, I was a solitary tweeter in all shapes and forms now return me to my bed I need to charge my iphone.

At that he noticed the room around him return to normal and he felt the cold floor beneath his feet.

Shaking his head and plugging in his charger he thought that a cold beer might do the trick and shake off this horrible waking dream he was having.

As he lifted the beer from the fridge he heard his blackberry vibrate.

Oh, his spirits lifted perhaps someone has RT his tweet from earlier. He shuffled across the plush leather sofa and reached for the iphone.

A tweet had indeed been RT’d but he did not recall sending that one – It read ‘Merry Christmas’, he was puzzled.

Has someone been changing his tweets?

Did he not have copyright on his tweets .

Has my account been Hacked?

He frowned, this was not good he would make a note that he will write an email to @philip_Hannah to ask about his intellectual property rights subsisting in his tweets

Then the DM came, just as predicted.

@tweeterpresent the ghost of tweeters present appeared.

I am the ghost of tweeters present- come with me and see what is really happening on twitter just now it said.

@Ebonezertweeter watched again as the room transformed.

There were lots of people standing around chatting.

He screwed up his eyes to see if he could recognise them but he didn’t know anyone.

It was a tweetup.

They were all there @legaleaglemhm  @Brianinkster  @spacechelle @Alistair_Sloan @Charonqc @Lordsugar @Duncanbannatyne @Ladygaga

Chatting and laughing and telling their twitter stories. It looked like they were all in a secret club.

Why had he not been invited he thought.

@legaleaglemhm mentioned @ebonezertweeter by name and recalled stories that horrid fellow who never RT’s anything.

He doesn’t speak or tweet or reply, how rude. I’ve not listed him on any of my lists.
The others agreed nodding their heads whilst sipping their beverages.

The room morphed back into the solitary @Ebonezertweeter just a few days prior. Late night in the office with his tweetdeck open , his ipad on and his blackberry vibrating on his desk.

He gleefully scrolled down his list of following and hit the unfollow button pausing randomly only to block anyone that he remotely did not like.

It made him grin.

He liked to follow business people so he could suck all of their information without giving anything back. @gavward was his favourite.

He lurked in the shadows watching and reading the many links posted by @charonqc and @Brianinkster and revelled in the fact that he was too important to make time to reply to these tweeters.

The room changed again as @tweeterpresent the ghost of the now showed his loyal assistant @legaleaglemhm tucking in her littleuns for the evening and firing up her old blackberry to send some tweets for the company.

Her little cat ‘tiny Alfie’ lay poorly in the corner whimperingand she worried that she would not have enough money for a powercard the next day.

Still when she opened her twitter stream @Ebonezertweeter was shocked to her bleep , bleep, bleep, as all the replies and DM’s and RT flooded in.

He was puzzled, how did that happen. Do people actually reply to others? Did they really send DM’s?

The realisation started to sink in- ah , was it because he didn’t interact with them?
Was it because he had never interacted with anyone?

How selfish he thought.

A final tweet came form the @tweeterpresent the ghost of now
I will leave you now for the worst tweets , the ones of the future.

No , No, No he cried banging his keyboard furiously.

This cant be so ! he wept. I haven’t done anything wrong surely?

It’s what everyone does.

Just then an email landed in his intray- you have new tweets. You have a new follower.

You are now being followed by the future tweeters – no twitter account has at this time been set up and all that exists is the promise of what is to come.

Oh no he thought, how bad can this get.

He looked down at his ipad and ping a new tweet had been sent by @Highlandlawyer and it had been RT’d by @legaleaglemhm.and @TheFirmonline

It read

@Ebonezertweeter is dead – RT if you like this tweet.

His screen started to flash and bleep furiously, his 30 followers started to go down and the 14000 people he followed started to flicker. Every one on his twitter stream was RT ing it- It was going viral

@Ebonezertweeter is Dead

No, No, No, he shouted and hit the off button on all his devises.

He pulled the plug from his mac and PC and he jumped under the covers of his bed. The sun was just coming up as he realised it was the end of that horrible night on twitter.

Rushing to pull open his blinds he noticed a young man on his ipod with his earphone in just below on the street.

What day is it he shouted?

Looking up the lad replied ‘ why its Christmas day’

It’s not too late he thought rushing to switch on his blackberry, ipad, iphone , PC and Mac and logging on to twitter he beamed from ear to ear. I shall remedy this he thought.

Clicking on each of the people he followed he typed furiously @Ebonezertweeter– Good morning, how are you today?
 The first to reply was @Dogslovecouture -Woof Woof merry christmas returned

He composed DM after DM to each of the people he followed and thanked them for their wonderful tweets and then he sat and made a list and compose a wonder ff list recommending all the followers to everyone.

He sent a tweet that indeed go viral and that was @Ebonezertweeter Merry Christmas 2012 everyone.

Within seconds he saw all the DM’s, RT’s, replies flooding in and he smiled the biggest smile had every felt.

His followers started to go up rapidly from 5 to 50 to 500 to 15000 and be lunchtime he broke the 20000 limit he never thought was possible.

The best DM he sent that day was to his trusty and loyal assistant @legaleaglmhm and here is what is said

Merry Christmas your Brand new ipad3 is on your desk, have two weeks off and you now have a pay rise and buy some treats for your littleuns and tiny Alfi too.

For the rest of Christmas and beyond @Ebonezertweeter was a changed man and a changed tweeter.

I hope you have enjoyed this Tale of the Tweeters Christmas Carol
 If you have please reply, DM, and of course RT

It’s what makes us all good tweeters.

A very Merry Christmas 2013

And God Bless, us everyone


@Legaleaglemhm aka Michelle L.Hynes

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